Across the Universe
by Miggyrow
Summary: Ren was dead. Nana found her voice back. Nobu and I got closer and almost kissed. Takumi was still caring for Reira. We were trying hard to not succumb to the weight of our sorrows. For the sake of Nana. Dead. After a month, this piece of information had trouble setting down. Where could we go from there? I needed to know. It was time for me to get a peek of my future with Takumi.
1. Youth gone wild

**Disclaimer: **Nana characters belong to the great Ai Yasawa. No infringement intended.

**Title**: Accross the Universe

**Rating**: M (I stayed on the safe side of the dark side)

**Warning: E**nglish is not my maternal language. Yes, I feel the need to warn you. I will gladly take any criticisms you guys have but I will ask you to be considerate too. I also prefer constructive criticism to innocent spontaneous " I love you / I hate your fic" "three words" reviews. If you love it, please say why. If you hate it, please help me improve my writing skills by pointing my errors. **S**hipwise, I'm all a Takumi/Hachi fan. I don't dislike Nobu. No characters bashing of any kind. Takumi may be one of my favorite character of Nana so please mind the way you're talking about my favorite 'bastard'. Again, give me constructive backed-up arguments if you feel the need. I accept all kind of reviews ( unsigned reviews included).

Seeing as there is not nearly enough love for this couple in FF, especially since I can't properly feed my addiction, I decided to write a very short four-part on them. It starts immediately after chapter 84.

-1-

**Youth gone wild**

**Nana, you know sometime when I was thirteen years old, I had my first crush. He was tall, blond and athletic. Now that I think about it, he looked a bit like Nobu. He was the one who confessed to me at first. I told him I needed a week to think about it when I was already dying to say yes. I went around the next day telling all my friends how he asked me out and how I was in love with him.**

**Three days after that, there was a new exchange student at school. And you know what Nana? I never got around giving an answer to Tamaki-kun.**

**I was in love again.**

**Nana, did you know I truly believe that you are my most precious love the one that lasted the longest.**

**Him, you will ask me?**

**I don't know anymore.**

_Ren was gone._

_Nana was now talking. Nobu and I got closer and almost kissed. Takumi was still caring for Reira. We were all trying to hold tight and not succumb to the weight of our sorrows._

_For the sake of Nana._

_I tried to hope for the Demon's King intervention. After all, Ren was dead. Even after a month, this piece of information had trouble setting down. Yes, it was true that I made Sukiyaki and Nana sang some karaoke song. Still… I knew better than to get my hopes up too much._

_But I still have some hope._

The next morning, Yasu told Nana that the Agency wanted to have an open meeting. They wanted to know her plans for the future. It wasn't that this bunch of corporate people had no heart; it wasn't that they were not sensitive to the situation, but, like, Yasu told us later, they were a business corporation, and a business without a product to sell is bound to be doomed. Yasu was all for making an appointment as soon as possible. But his ideas send Nana into catatonia again. Eyes wide, lips trembling, she retreated back into silence for the rest of the day. No one could coax her word out of her.

In this condition, it ripped my heart to have to leave her again to go see Takumi in his hometown. But if I didn't do anything I'd risk falling myself, subject to uncertainties and doubts. Honestly, I told myself that I didn't care if Takumi was having an affair with Reira. I told myself that if he dumped me and Sa-chan it would be for the best. I would be free to pick up the pieces of myself. I could do that.

With Nana.

We could go back to Room 707 and start anew. It would take time. But I knew…

Happiness died with Ren. There was no hope. I knew I had to be strong for the baby that was growing inside of me. But how could I imagine a bright future for me, Takumi and Sa-chan, when there was no future for Ren and Nana.

It still makes me cry.

- Nana. I'm going.

Of course, she didn't turn to send me off. The baby was moving. I felt my tummy with my left hand absentmindedly. We could say that the baby had been very energetic lately. I was getting used to it but I still needed to check the date for my next appointment with Fujiko-san.

- I will be back soon. I promise. Nana?

Tears gathered in my eyes but Yasu pulled me gently by the hand.

- Don't worry. She will be fine.

I didn't need to look at his eyes behind his shades to know he doesn't believe a word he is saying. Yasu is hurting. I wish Nana could see through his heroic posture, even the selfish me can see it. Yasu doesn't talk much these days. To everybody, he seemed totally normal. But Miu told me that he hadn't had much sleep these past weeks.

We walked silently to the car. As I climbed in the car, he slid behind the wheel of Ginpei's Van. I can see him fetching absently for his cigarettes before realizing his mistake.

- Sorry.

- I don't mind. It's true that Takumi quit smoking around me because of the baby but…

- But…

- But I don't mind the smoke…

_What to say? What to do?_

He did quit smoking around the baby. He made all these arrangements to his life so he could squeeze Sa-chan and I in. He never complained about it. Maybe cornering him like this to talk about us was really a bad idea fuelled with bad timing too. It's too late to change my train tickets. I have to be strong. I'd never needed Junko so much. Her and Kyousuke were preparing for their exams. They still call me from time to time. I know Junko doesn't really know what to say to me. I don't even know what to say to me.

- Hachi?

I pushed any unwanted thoughts back. I am anxious enough.

- You know you can tell me anything right.

I smiled. Yasu is always trying so hard I feel completely useless and pitiful around him.

- I am fine, Yasu. It's Yasu who should be talking to me about anything.

I dared to glance in his direction and I can see my words have reached him for the better.

- Miu is already on my case 24/7. I don't feel like I have so much to say, really.

- I know that Ren was important to you.

- He was important to a lot of people. Even Takumi.

I think he got me there. I frowned.

- But Takumi has other people still. He has his work.

_Nana? Believe me, I was not trying to make a case against my husband to explain my unsteady feelings towards Nobu. _

- In a sense, it seems that everybody has something else. Except for Nana. But even, she has you… She has us.

- I know.

- Takumi may be alone in his tower trying to keep his kingdom from collapsing. It doesn't mean he doesn't need you or the baby.

I lower my head stroking my belly again. If he felt lonely why didn't he call me? Even once, he could have called. I know that there is a lot of pressure on him. But, I can't picture a reason for his abandonment. We could discuss who is leaving whom but… I truly think he left first.

- We're here.

I don't think I would win the battle. I know that in some ways I chose Nana the way Takumi chose Reira. We're both fighting to save the person we love the most from Ren's deadly grip. What I don't understand is our inability to fight for each other, maybe it's because I love Nobu and he is really in love with Reira, maybe we are not made for each other, maybe it would really be better if we part ways now. Every marriage does not need to be forever.

Yasu grabs my bag in the trunk while I stayed in the car, still gathering my thoughts. Finally, I got out, breathing in the air, so fresh in the morning.

- Don't worry for Nana ! She just needs time to assimilate what happened. She will be waiting for you to be back.

I started to walk toward the train platform toward Takumi and my cloudy future. I turned to wave goodbye to Yasu with a smile. I'm strong. Sa-chan made me strong a lot. We won't lose to the infamous Trapnest princess. Nope, Sa-chan and I will be fine.


	2. The Lair of the Demon King

-2-

**The lair of the demon King**

**_Ne, Hachi, as I am watching the snow fall right now, I can't help but think, can they pull me down too in their fall ? Just like they did Ren? _**

**_I don't know what happened to my womanhood? To my strength? When did I become such a weak and wimpy creature that when the wind blows I risked being carried away? _**

**_At that time, when I saw you with that man I could tell he made you stronger feeding you lies. _**

**_I hated him for that. _**

**_In his garden, you grew up like a strong puppy_**_. _

What was I expecting really? This man is hopelessly cold. Naoki was the one who came to pick me up from the train station. The journey was short across the small town. Everything there was, either grey, brownish, rusty or snowy even if it was already March. I don't really like this city. I will put this on the fact that my visits always had the worst timing. Naoki and I, we chatted non-stop in the rental car. From the change of schedule of my favorite drama to my favorite shop who sells hamburgers in Tokyo, Naoki tried his best to put me at ease. But I can see he is anxious. I wonder how Takumi convinced him to play babysitter all day to his dear tender wife.

When we passed the hospital without stopping I finally asked.

- Isn't Takumi besides Reira? Are we not going to join them?

Naoki looked at me sheepishly. I knew something was not right.

- Takumi said that you would be exhausted by the trip. He rented a room in the Rokujiro Inn. It's smaller than the inn of Nobu's parents but it's really discreet and comfortable. Some of the members of the staff stay there on occasions.

- I see. I guess Reira's state is still the same. Does Takumi stay there too?

Again, Naoki avoided looking at me directly.

- Are you hungry?

- He stays with her. I said.

I didn't need to ask.

- It sounds bad the way you say it.

- It sounds bad that he can't even take the time to greet his wife who is with child.

- Hachi, I know it sounds bad like I said. But he really is trying his best.

- I know what his very best is. You don't really have to tell me, Naoki-san.

Naoki didn't say anything anymore. Great! I didn't think I could keep up a conversation about the awesomeness of the burgers of Sato Koichi. I was no longer in the mood for anything. I thought back about my last conversation with Ren. I can't help for feeling responsible for my own misery. _Is that a selfish thing to say?_

Naoki stopped the car in front of an old Japanese traditional mansion.

- This is it…

- Thanks.

- Takumi said he will have dinner with you. Feel free to order anything you like on the menu. The chef is my mother's second cousin, she's great… Most of the time.

Looking at this old lifeless mansion suddenly gave me the worse idea. After all, they say pregnant woman can be very moody.

- You're also from here. Your family still lives here?

- Yeah! They're really happy I can be home for once. My mom is especially happy to have another pair of hands on deck for household chores. She doesn't get that I'm a rock star now. It's kind of a problem. Nobody around here really get it.

- Takumi also used to live here with his family, didn't he?

Naoki clearly hesitated too long to give me an answer. It filled me with excitement and anticipation.

- Well…yeah.

- Is Takumi's sister still living here? His father too?

Again, he looked away. Naoki suddenly looked like he was in a world of pain. I felt bad for him. A little bit. Almost. Not really.

- Yeah…

- Good, I will formerly introduce myself to her today.

- You will do what? Huh, Hachi…I'm not sure that's such a good idea really. Takumi wouldn't want you to get tired from moving all day.

- Yet, he is not by my side. Listen, Naoki, if you don't want to drive me. I will call for a cab.

- You don't know where she lives.

- I will find out. I'm not so stupid as to be unable to look into a phone book.

I suddenly had a doubt.

- There are phonebooks in this town, aren't they?

- She is not…

- What? In the phone book?

He groans in annoyance.

- He is so gonna kill me. You know he is gonna kill me. I don't wanna die like this…

I looked at him with my best puppy-dog eyes. My lips quivered slightly. I feel hot tears burning my eyes.

- But at the same time, he did say that I shouldn't let you out of my sight… and that I had to attend to all your needs.

I smiled brightly.

- Thank you, Naoki-san. You're so nice.

Starting the car again, he made a u-turn with a sigh.

- You are very persistent, Hachi. This is a really unusual quality for one of Takumi's woman.

He anxiously chewed on his own lips.

- I mean…

I sent a glare in his direction. Of course, I knew I was not the only woman in Takumi's life.

- I know what you mean. Drive.

We stare at each other. I smiled innocently. He smiles back. I stroke my belly absentmindedly. _See, Sa-chan, your mother is persistent. You learn!_

It was when I was standing in front of a small dilapidated house that I finally asked myself what I was really doing here.

- What is her name? I asked Naoki as he parked sideways.

Takumi may have told me once or again he may have not. I just remember him telling me she was older and she had two kids of her own.

- Megumi Kotozuka. She married into her husband's family. Hachi, I'm not sure you should do that. I'm not sure she even knows who you are. Takumi barely keeps any contact with his family.

It was enough information I guess.I turned toward the car where Naoki was still cooped up. I waved my hand in his direction.

_ If you don't mind I will stay here. I don't really like going into that house, it gives me the creeps! _Naoki said when we arrived at our destination. He was the creep! After all he just left a poor pregnant woman standing alone in the snow. Chicken! I turn to show him my tongue, that scaredy cat!

It couldn't be that bad. I mean if Takumi was sort of a half-decent type of man. She could only be… better or…

I knocked at the heavy door timidly. I'm sure she will be fine. I will just introduce myself and say hi. She has a right to know she is gonna be an aunt. We could be friends. We could even be sisters and…

"Coming! But I swear if you touch my door again, whoever you are, this will be the last thing you do in this life! "

I didn't move. The door opened abruptly and a tall brunette got out.

- What do you want?! I'm busy! She said with a hoarse voice.

She isn't exactly what I expected. I expected a smiling beauty. She looked like an evil witch straight out of a children book. Takumi wasn't lying. Though her hair is a beautiful shade of dark just like Takumi's, they are tied messily at the back of her head. She wears the most dreadful green sweater over the most awful grey pants. She is breathless as if she just ran a marathon. Some of her teeth are yellow and a pair of glasses hung low on her nose. She smells like sweat from where I'm standing. I'm going to be sick. I gave her my biggest smile. She eyed me distrustfully in answer. I'm started to think she wants to eat me like in a fairytale.

- Hi, you probably don't know who I am…

- I know who you are. It's not what I asked, Missy. I asked what do you want?

She is even worse than him. She lacks any form of tact or sensitivity.

- I was in town and I wanted to have a chat with you if you don't mind.

- Don't you know how to make an appointment, Princess?

- Well… I'm sorry to bother you. I will just come back another time.

- You do that.

- Wait, how do you know who I am?

- Your face was all over the news for the whole country to see as you frolicked with my useless brother and his band mates. You're that girl from the magazine the groupie that became overnight a superstar. I come from a small town but I can read. Unfortunately, you are his wife and I'm still busy. Good bye.

On those tactful words, she closed the door on my face. I stood there for God knows how long simply winking as if I was not sure I was awake. What was that? What just happened? I turned toward the rental car. Naoki leaned to open the passenger door and motioned for me to come back. It's like he knew what was going to happen. _Sa-chan, I think your mother was played. _

I turned back toward the door. If she wanted bitchy, she was gonna get it. I knocked again. She opened the damn door with a groan.

- Damn! You're awfully persistent Lady… like cockroaches.

- So, I've been told…in more endearing term though.

She stared at me again from head to toe and crosses her arm on her chest.

- So tell me, what can I do, princess, to get rid of you.

- A nice cup of tea for a pregnant lady would be nice. If you point me to the right direction, I can make some for us.

She stared at me in disbelief then sighed.

- Fine, I needed a distraction anyway. You can come in.

I smiled in victory. _See, Sa-chan, mommy can tame monsters just with a smile! When you will be older, you should be able to do the same._

She led me into her house. Like I already said it was small. I mean our living room in Shirogane was bigger than her kitchen and living room combined. I couldn't help but think this is where Takumi grew up. Oh God! I froze. There was an old man dead in the hallway. I wanted to scream. I think I did just that. I emptied the air in my lung in one stroke. The witch turned angrily toward me. This house suddenly felt like a mouse trap. I was the mouse. She was about to kill me and dispose of my body. Oh Great demon King! That idiot was going to marry Reira and have many treacherous Sachiko with her.

- What's wrong with you, you stupid bitch, I have a baby sleeping upstairs?! Do you want me to throw you out on the sidewalk like trash?

- Huh?

Then the corpse started to move on the floor rousing from his drunken slumber. He didn't wake up completely; instead he scratched his ass slowly and let out a gas that could only say one thing: that he was alive and as healthy as a drunkard could be. I wanted to throw up. She sighed again and gave the "Takumi Ichinose's roll". I rolled my eyes back at her in annoyance. Who sleeps on the floor ? In broad daylight? Drunk ! She seemed surprised but said nothing.

She gestured for me to go to the back of the house. I pushed a door and there I was in paradise again. In the back of the house there was the prettiest winter garden I'd ever seen. I thought this kind of thing only belong to great romance novel. Though the room was small, it was so full with greenery and foliage; it felt warm and cozy… Simply inviting… In the middle, there was a small romantic iron table and assorted chairs. All pink. So cute. I wagged my tail at her.

- You can sit. I will make some tea. I don't have anything to put in it though. So don't expect anything fancy! My husband will come back from work soon. I'm not sure he will be very happy if he sees you… Sugar ? You take sugar with your tea?

- Huh? Yes. Right.

She goes back to the kitchen.

- I must admit you're cuter than in the magazines! She shouted unceremoniously from there.

I blushed on my chair. I should feel flattered but I'm not really at ease with her. She is just very unsettling. You never know if she's gonna be kind or bite you. She reminds me of someone. She comes back several minutes later with a tea set and a metallic box full of biscuits on a trail. Now that I can fully look at her, she is not that bad. She truly resembles Takumi. They both have long eyelashes and very beautiful eyes I wish Sa-chan will inherit at birth. Her hair is as silky as her brother and even longer. She must have been a beauty when she was young. I noticed there is a pack of cigarettes of the same brand Takumi uses abandoned on a tool.

- You can have one if you want one. But I hardly think it's any good for your baby. Your choice. Not mine.

- I don't smoke.

- As for me, I can't stop.

She sipped on a tea slowly. I do the same and try not to cringe at its bitterness.

- Thank you. Thank you for everything really. This is a beautiful room and you have a nice place.

She looked dubious but didn't say anything. I'm sure she knows I just wanted to be polite.

- You like flowers? There are so soothing.

- I don't really. In fact, I hate them.

- But…

- Well, when I was young, my mother had to stay in the hospital for extended period of time because of her illness. She liked flowers and we didn't have any money except to eat and go to school. So I grew them myself to take some to her. End of story.

- Oh! That's…That's quite sad, I guess.

She didn't look one bit affected. She just shrugged and took a sip of her bitter green tea.

- How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

- 29. Why?

She looks way older, that why. Though I don't suppose I know what a twenty-nine years old should look like. My older sister Nao is 27 and is still unmarried. Last time, I called home. She had just been asked out by one of her colleagues. Nao was maybe at that age but she doesn't look at all like Megumi. Megumi looked as if she lived many lives already.

- I just wanted… to know. I guess.

She doesn't smile. Just like Takumi, she tends to be very serious when asked personal questions. I should tread lightly from now on.

- You said that… your baby was upstairs. That's great! I can't wait to be a mother myself! Takumi told me you have two children. Two boys, is that right?

- Four. Three boys and a little girl. She is sleeping upstairs. She is just four months old. She never sleeps. Consequently she drives me crazy. I hate kids.

I blushed.

- Oh! I'm sorry for… I was just surprised earlier.

- I guess it could be surprising to a stranger. It's my father. He is like a carpet to us. We don't pay attention anymore.

- Takumi told me about that too.

- And you still wanted to come…

I didn't have an answer to that one. I didn't really know why I came anymore.

- I think it was important that I met with you.

- Nana, is that it?

- Yeah.

- Nana Ichinose. It sounds weird.

_You tell me._

- You're very cute almost like a doll… or a stuffed animal…or a dog. Yeah, that's it a cute little dog.

_A dog. Really?_

- Yeah, just like that american girl. What's her name? It's difficult to pronounce. She stalked my brother like his shadow since forever.

- Reira?

- Yeah! Her! You look just like her. But you seem like a nice girl really. A smart girl. I like you.

I smiled at this unexpected compliment. It was the nicest thing she said since I arrive.

- So, my turn to ask, Nana-chan, what possessed you really?

- I beg your pardon?

- He is not gonna be a good father.

- I'm sorry, Megumi-san, but you don't know that.

- I know my brother. We could be staying apart without talking to each other for years, I will still know him. I tried my best to raise that boy when I was a child myself. So, I know him.

I swallowed hard. Why did I have to come here?

- He is gonna be just like his father. A violent cheater! He's gonna cheat on you until you get bed-ridden sick with it. Then everything will be more important than you and your child. For my father, it was alcohol. In Takumi's case, it's his work that's gonna take all the room. He was like this since he was ten. His music… It was more important than anything. He couldn't come see Mother since he had rehearsals, dates, concerts to go to. He was always busy. Money, gifts, that he can do! I can say he is a hard worker for sure. He will give you a comfortable life, get you all scooped up off your feet into the perfect golden castle. But if you want to keep all that, God will prevent you from acting out because Takumi does not like to give his birds freedom just like our father before him. He is too afraid they will leave him in his own misery. Yes, he doesn't care for love or family simply because he doesn't know how! Nobody ever took the time to teach us. Nobody ever cared. So that is why I know without a doubt that my beloved little brother is not gonna be a good father to your child.

I could feel tears prickling down my eyes and I could barely swallow my sudden doubts. But it was not Megumi-san's cruel words that really got to me; it was the fact that I could see him standing there in the hallway wearing the shadow of a mask.

- Takumi?


	3. Broken record

- 3 -

**Broken Record**

**Nana, you know when I think back to that day I always regret taking that trip to your hometown. I just wish there was a way so I can have everything without having to choose or sacrifice anything in return. I know it's a selfish request. **

**I'm sorry, Nana, if seeing all my weaknesses disappointed you.**

** It's just that I was unable to leave him in that hallway. **

Remaining at a distance, Takumi leaned on the wall.

- Hey, Megu…

- Hey, stranger! So I've heard you're in town. That boy, Ren, he was there when mother died, right?

Takumi nodded.

- I was sorry when I heard what happened to him. He was really nice. I remember him playing that song you wrote for mother.

Takumi stared at the floor.

- Okay… We will be on our way now. Sorry for intruding.

If I wanted to escape I was not sure I wanted to go with Takumi. I could barely hold his gaze right now. For the first time, I saw real disappointment in the eyes of my husband. I jumped from my chair. Takumi caught me immediately before I fell. I was suddenly very tired. I held my abdomen. _What did I do?_ Sa-chan gave me another round kick in answer and I leaned even more into his big protective arms.

- Are you alright, Nana? Megumi asked.

I nodded. However I was barely alright. I was in lots of pain. I wanted to get out of here. Now that I truly entered Takumi's world, I felt like an intruder, even more unwanted than before. All I wanted was take my leave as quietly as possible.

- I'm alright. It's just the baby. She gave me a kick. I was surprised that's all.

- I will take you to the inn.

- You don't want a cup of tea?

- I suppose your husband is going to come back soon. I assume he's not going to be too happy to see me here.

- Yeah, you suppose well, Tacchi. But you're already here anyway. Although, Father may rise from his lethargic state anytime. You two could have a chat for once. He is getting old after all. He is not going to live forever.

- Don't call me that anymore.

- I will always call you what I want, Takumi Ichinose.

- Fine, I'm taking Nana with me, now.

His hand forcefully grabbed mine. His grip was so strong I had no choice but to get up and follow him in the hallway. Without hesitation, he kicked the old man out of the way and we ran outside toward his black SUV which is parked sloppily across the sidewalk.

- You know, Tacchi! Megumi said following us outside.

Takumi stopped dead in his track. He had an arm around my waist so I couldn't turn back.

- I get it. I know why you can't come back here or why you can't look at me. I'm glad you could make it out there. I'm a tad bit proud of my little brother for making something of him. It doesn't matter that I know he's a fiend. For what it's worth I love you anyway, baby brother.

I barely had time to turn around and glance a last time at Megumi. I didn't have time to ponder why she chooses to part with him on such cruel and insensitive words that Takumi forcefully pushed me inside the car, brutally slammed the passenger door on me and got behind the wheel. I put on the belt as fast as I can as he already started the engine. With trembling fingers, I touched my face realizing I was a sloppy mess, tears and mascara running. Takumi is driving so fast and all I can do is hold onto my safety belt. I look around anxiously not recognizing the road. Where is Naoki? The car slithered dangerously on the empty road as if on ice and Takumi kept speeding.

- Naoki?! Where is Naoki?

- With Reira.

This is the only words that passed his lips since we have gotten into the car. His tone is cold and emotionless. A chill ran though my spine. I want to get down.

- Stop the car!

He doesn't. Instead, he pushed the engine harder. The roaring sound it makes at that point is sickening. I wish I knew how to drive so I could take the wheel from him.

- I said stop the car! Takumi! Please stop the car!

The road becomes even more curvy and sinuous. It starts going downhill. All I could see was the blue of the ocean… It was so beautiful and scary all at the same time. In a few seconds or so we may go over a safety rail and fall to our death, except I didn't want to die just yet. I wanted to see this baby in me grow up to become what we fail to be. Responsible adults. I wanted a whole life, even a miserable one, spent in quiet misery, with that bastard sitting next to me. And I wondered if it was how Ren felt just before he crashed into that building. What if he had that type of regrets? I screamed hysterically.

- Please! I love you but please stop the car! Takumi! Stop ! I'm scared! I'm so scared! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that you had to live in such a place! I'm sorry! You had to be strong on your own! I'm sorry! But I believe you will be a good father! I believe you will be the best father ever! I bet you will be awesome! I never had any doubt you'd be a wonderful father! We don't have a choice anyway! You're the only father our child will ever know. So, please stop the car!

With a screech, the car stopped in the middle of the way as I kept on screaming incoherently. I tried to catch my breath to no avail.

- I am sorry. Was all he said before he got out of the SUV.

I started crying.

I don't know how long I cried. I don't know how long I sat there, bundled up in a fetal position waiting for Takumi to come back. I could only look at the ocean, wild and cold. I realized it was my second time taking a look at the ocean, the first time being when my father bought us tickets to see some family in the south when I was a kid. But the sea at that time was nothing like this one. It was inviting and warm with gentle wave to massage your shoulders. Why did Ren have to come back to die here really? It was so cold everywhere. A gush of air infiltrated the car as Takumi got back.

- Do you feel better?

I shrugged. That was the wrong question to ask.

- How did you know I was there?

- I called Naoki. He said you didn't want to stay at the inn. He said you wanted to meet my family.

- Yeah, that was true.

He sighed tiredly. I never noticed how often he sighed these days.

- Let's break up, Nana.

I was not surprised. It was so easy for him to say those words. I was a bit angry though I wanted to honestly punch his face. What type of man would leave his wife just after endangering her life? What kind of men would use the word "break up" with his wife anyway?

- We could get a divorce by the end of the month. I will still recognize the child obviously. I will provide for him too. I will arrange everything so that you can stay in Shirogane.

Takumi was always so in such a hurry to leave me. I wanted to leave him back. I didn't know why it bothered me so much.

- Is that what you really want?

- You came for that. Right, Nana? You wanted to see me so I can give you your freedom back. You can go back to him now. You can also take care of Nana. It's the best deal!

- So you can go back to her…

Why am I so bothered by this? I want to be with Nobu with all my heart. I want to leave him too.

- Reira is my job. She is all that remains of my career. So, of course I will go… I will always go back to her.

It's not like I didn't know this. I knew Reira always comes first. His job comes first. _Work comes first. It takes up 90% of my brain. I don't really pay attention to much else._

- So what? What are we doing here? Why are you not with her now?

He avoids my stare and nonchalantly grabs the wheel.

- You shouldn't be here.

- You are my wife.

- So you remembered.

- If my way of doing things, does not suit you, you're welcome to leave me. I'm not holding you back, Nana. He countered back angrily.

I fail to understand where we are going with all this. I don't get him. It infuriates me how I never knew what he is thinking. Worse, my brain is all muddled with doubts again. It's an agony!

- You know what Megumi said is the truth. My sister knows me better than anyone. I can't really care for things because I was not shown how. It's unlikely I will be able to raise Sa-chan while focusing on my music. I'm all willing to try. But it's more likely that I will make your life even more difficult.

I turned to look at him. He calls her Sa-chan. All the time.

- Takumi! You don't want me to leave you. You want me to stay. That's why you're saying those things. Or maybe you want me to be the one to quit first? I don't know what you want! Just tell me!

I was confused either way. Surely that way, it would be easier on him. He wouldn't have to think he was abandoning our child. Still, what does he want really? What do I want? I realized I didn't think about Nobu at all since I'm here. But when I do think about him, my heart aches slightly. When I think about losing Takumi, it was not a simple ache, it was an excruciating pain that threaten to leave me invalid. We're stuck at a crossroad. Takumi stared absentmindedly at the wheel.

- She is not getting better, Nana. The doctors don't know what else to do. The staff and her mother they are talking about taking her to London. They also want me to go with her. Trapnest was defeated. It's not going to be alright. We can't push the album out now.

He sighed.

- We were this close to the finish line… We were going to get that album out and literally blast the blackstones out of the way. We were that good. Our sound was perfect. That idiot… I told him not to use… I told him to wait… I would take care of everything eventually. I will help him. I just needed more time. I threaten that bastard that I will take him down with me if we fall… He just had to hold onto till we could push the album out. Then he would get into rehab. Reira would take some time off with her mother. Then I can spend time with you. It was all planned. But he had to fall first, right ?! He had to get into that car… He had to be on the road in that stupid old car of his in that stupid weather… because of something I did. Because I'm being punished… Because I slept with her. I told her she would be disappointed. I told her I couldn't give her what she wanted. Nobody fucking listens to me anyway. I slept with her and she was still not satisfied. She had me in the palms of her hands. But she was still not satisfied. Nothing could satisfy my princess... So she took him down with her… She took me down with her. Now, I look at her. She is just a shell and I'm so damn A-N-G-R-Y all the time. But she doesn't care because she lives her own happily ever after in her own fucking alternate reality while I'm in hell. So, well, I'm done. I won't have time for this. You can leave me.

There was a pause.

- Nana?

- I need a minute.

- Why do you care? I told myself that it didn't matter. Our marriage work well out of convenience. You knew I slipped all the time. You said nothing. You love Nobu anyway. So it shouldn't matter, right?

- Please, just give me a minute.

- Right? You love him! Tell me you love him.

- Don't say anymore.

- Nana…

- I said shut up now!

- Fuck! He shouted back at me.

We both retreated back into silence after that. I couldn't make up my mind. I didn't know if I was supposed to cry or laugh. My husband cheated on me with his "work". He spoke nonsensically about how he wanted me to go. But all my heart could hear was how he wanted me to stay. He told me he would always go back to her. Those words rang deep inside me because I knew I would always go back to Nana. So it was strangely fine. We were so similar in our needs. He said he wanted a divorce. My heart heard I need you by my side. He told me eventually he would go to London and my heart heard please wait for me.

**_Maybe I knew this would happen one day, I felt safe all this time because as much as I love Takumi I never let him talk directly to my heart before. But now that he has, now that Ren was gone, now that you were so broken, Nana, now that all we had was each other, I wonder what would become of us. _**

**_What is next?_**


	4. Marriage

-4-

**Marriage**

**It's strange, Nana. I wasn't surprised by his sudden confession. It's like after Ren's sudden passing nothing was worth being dazed over. The waves were crashing relentlessly against the shore. The sun was setting down in the sky. The snow covered the hood of the car.**

**The universe didn't care we were hurting one bit.**

**Still, I could only sit there and watch my life unfold before my eyes. My resolve had fainted into a distinct whisper. I was sorry for Nobu.**

**By now, Nana you should know that I am a despicable woman.**

I didn't want to move first but I did. From the corner of my eyes, I could see his fingers tapping anxiously the wheel as he waited patiently for me to make the final decision. Takumi played with his lighter. He won't speak because I told him not to. He won't smoke because of his love for Sa-chan. For once, he was playing my tune.

I thought my love for Nobu could save me from pain and sorrow or that at the very least; I will be cherished enough so the pain goes away. However that kind of love also made me feel useless to the extent where I have to watch someone else live my life for me. I don't want to be half-hearted anymore. But it seems that I can only be half-hearted with Nobu.

I touched shyly his shoulder. He froze and turned slightly. I remember that it was in this car that all my troubles started. Shoji broke up with me. I lost my job. I received that phone call.

My life changed.

_Nana, I could never go back to that time when it was just you and me crying over the loss of Shouji. _

_I don't want to go back to that time. _

_I don't know about the future either. _

_I'm so very stuck into this moment. _

As my thoughts were shoved aside as his lips brushed mine and we breathed into each other's thoughts and fears, the snow settled slowly on the hood of Takumi's Mercedes. _Ne, Nana, I did not know Takumi's kiss could be so gentle._ It was just a kiss. I reasoned. It didn't mean I could forgive. It didn't mean we could both make amends for our own selfishness. I remembered telling myself that it was just a one-night stand and I will watch him pass me by on the street and we will be strangers again. I remember telling myself it was just a ring and Takumi probably thought it was all part of a good communication campaign and one day I will take it off and cherished it as a precious token. I remember thinking I will get over him when Ren died and we received that phone call because I could feel his strong hold on my hand slipping. I recovered so many memories in that dazed state I was in. His touch felt new though. I don't how I could make it to the backseat of the car without giving birth already. It was a mystery. All I know is that I had the strongest hold on the collar of his shirt and his hands had long abandoned the lighter to play with my hair. His lips had never left mine. Me and Sa-chan were all warm inside.

In the semi darkness, we moved to accommodate each other as if our bodies intimately knew each other. The smell of his aftershave... is fading on his skin. The smooth silky feel of his hair burned my skin. I wondered if he could still smell the stench of that house on me. I left a trail of kisses on his chin and on his neck.

"Nana?"

His voice was hoarse and husky from his sudden want. He claimed my lips again even more fiercely this time, almost biting. I am wanted again. I felt bold all of a sudden. I felt in control. I always let part of myself drift somewhere when we made love before. But now my own need won't settle with just a kiss. My whole being won't settle for any less than what we both deserve… It doesn't mean much as we are so lost together. However, it means the world to me right now.

I grew so impatient. I tore his shirt down. He flinched slightly. I can tell he is surprised by my assertiveness or simply by the violence of my desire. He grabbed both my hands and lifted them above my head. I winced. We are rolling again seeking that position where we would be most at ease to let go of our desire. His mind was easy to read. He simply didn't want to hurt the baby. He unbuttoned his shirt staring into my eyes lustfully. I wanted to touch his solid chest so much I moaned. I could barely breathe. Did he take his sweet time with Reira too? I moaned again against his mouth. I bit ferociously at his lips.

He settled down on his back and I straddled him clumsily. _All mommy want Sa-chan is to kiss Daddy, sorry for the inconvenience._ I bent over the best I could. Again, it was not much with my pregnant tummy. He joined me halfway. His lips were on mine again.

"Nana, I love you so much. Only you that I love like this…" He breathed against my throat.

For him to say those words now, I feel deep into my heart that our marriage is doomed. But I don't want to lose to Reira. My fingers brushed over his hard rod through his black boxers. He moaned against my neck before looking into my eyes expectantly.

"Takumi…"

Our bodies melted together as he wrapped an arm around my waist, lifting me from him. With one hand, he ripped down my pantyhose. He brushed a sweet kiss on my arm.

"I will make up for them later."

He moved to my breast half hidden by my bra under an oversize sweater. My right leg wrapped around his naked torso and at the same time his mouth covered my breast entirely. He nibbled on my nipple gently and I let out a heavy gasp. I grabbed a fistful of his silky mane and slid down on his erection. This is too good to last. He groaned against my breast. I always felt as if this was too good to last. Another loud gasp filled the air as his fingers grasped my hair tighter. I arched my back slightly and greedily he took my other breast into his mouth. His name escaped my mouth again in a sigh and the heat is steadily growing in between my legs. His moves were so exquisitely slow I almost want to die here in his vicious arm. Soon, the car was filled with only the sounds of our ragged breathings and our moans and the fainting sound of the ocean.

Suddenly he stopped, which made me open my eyes to look at him. I put a finger on his lips. I didn't want anything to disturb this. He said nothing and started to move again.

I don't know how long we stayed, limbs entwined and tangled, seeking pleasure, but when I opened my eyes again, outside was dark.

An anxious bead of sweat rolled down my sweaty neck as I rested my back on his chest, his long legs wrapping my waist. I could feel his erection growing again. I could feel his left hand playing with my hair while I watched our interlocked fingers. I close my eyes again. I recovered one last memory before falling asleep. I had my first time in a car with Asano-san. It was rushed, painful and uncomfortable. Asano and I we were really nothing like Takumi and I.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock buzzing. The sun was rising. I struggled to grab my bag and get my cell phone to turn it off. I lifted myself up. I covered my breast with my large sweater. Takumi was still sleeping in that weird uncomfortable position. I tried to move him a little but it was just too bothersome so I gave up. It was not my cell phone that wake me up but Takumi's phone. It was tucked under his shirt and his coat on the floor beside us. _I bet it's one of his numerous mistresses. Yeah! Right!_ I grabbed the phone fuming. _Ok, Sa-chan, your daddy is a ruthless useless cheater but mommy is a strong warrior. She is still standing. Take note!_

He had twelve missed calls from Naoki and seven messages. I glanced back in Takumi's direction. He was still sleeping soundly. I went to his messages.

"From Naoki. 6.30 pm. Where are you ? Call me ASAP. How did it went with Megu-san and Hachi?"

"From Naoki.7.12 pm. Shit! Reira heard the doctors talk about London. Really Call me back! Urgent!"

"From Naoki. 7.45pm. She is asking for you. Call back now! Is it okay with Hachi?"

"From Naoko.7.58pm. She is having another one of her breakdown. Come. Now. She needs you."

" From Naoki. 8.42pm. She tried it again and almost sliced her wrists off in the process. They had no choice but to sedate her and restrain her. She was still asking for you. Is there something more important than Reira right now? I'm tired of this shit, Takumi. I'm done."

" From Naoki.10.32pm. She is sleeping for when will it end? Ren is gone. Trapnest is gone. Now Reira… What's your plan, now?"

" From Naoki. 1.08 am. You never stayed this quiet, Takumi. Say something. Where are you? I'm worried. Do I need to call the cops? "

It wasn't exactly what I expected. The messages were marked as read so it wasn't as if he was not aware of the situation.

- You are one meddlesome wife. I'm unlucky.

Blushing a deep shade of Junko's tomatoes red, I let go of the cellphone who crashed on the floor. Long arms wrapped themselves around my neck, I buried my face into his chest. I could feel the tears already swelling into my eyes.

- You should have gone to her.

- Even if I was there, there is nothing I could do to help her. The doctors are the only one who could help her at that time.

There goes his reasonable and mature tone again but he couldn't fool me. Surely, he read all of Naoki's messages multiple times and waited for his updates. He leaned to kiss me on the cheek. I knew how much he cost someone like him to stay away. So I let him kiss me.

- I wonder if Sa-chan is hungry.

I was really hungry but I intended to behave in the most mature way. I made this trip with a purpose and though we drifted from the topic that matters last night. I was not going to take a train before making a decision. My stomach growled loudly.

- Guess, my girl really is… We better get back.

- Takumi... I'm…

- After we eat something, I will take you to the train station. What time does your Train depart? You must be impatient to see Nana.

I was impatient to see her, it was true. But… None of our problems was resolved last night. I tensed as I dressed up.

- I think it was 10.15am.

- Good. We have time for breakfast.

He helped me climb back into the passenger seat and even help me buckled my belt.

- Takumi…

- Yes, you can have the largest on the menu.

Oh ! I felt on the mood for… Right! Not the point…

- When you get back to Tokyo, you decide. I will go with whatever you decide.

He sat down next to me.

- I decided for now. I said.

- Well…What is it, then?

- For now… I like my life to stay the way it is.

He kept his eyes on the road as he started the car.

- And Nobu? He won't be upset?

- Nobu has nothing to do with the matter of our marriage. I said determined, crossing my arms over my ever-growing tummy. I was a mature woman making my own decisions.

- Right.

- Are you going to go to London?

- Probably. It's not all about Reira. Things are not smooth here business-wise. I could find opportunities there. I have contacts. Sa-chan's prep school tuition isn't cheap this year and we're in recession. Sa-chan and her mommy are very high-maintenance. Poor Daddy! He has long hours to spend at the office ahead of him.

- Good, he won't have time to cheat.

I could see him wince at that. I nodded absentmindedly before realizing Daddy was also making a fool of Sa-chan's mommy. I sent him a glare. He just smiled.

- Mommy could work. She worked before. She was very appreciated for her professional ethic.

It was a big fat lie but anyway…

- Work? And stop shopping, stop listening to her clandestine lover's awful guitar play, stop watching over her Master, the great priestess of Darkness, Nana, I truly doubt that.

- Mommy could go with Daddy to London.

- Yes, that she could. The best schools are in London. Sa-chan could meet the Prince. They would get married. Daddy wouldn't have to worry anymore about buying her the finest clothes.

I snapped, almost wagging my tail in excitment. London Boutique! J'arrive! Oh wait! That's French! But I could already picture myself as a European socialite!

- Really, I could go with you?

He looked at me with that indulgent look. I shivered slightly. He stroke my hair fondly.

- You'd like to come with me Hachi?

Waf! Waf! I want to bark.

- Well, obviously, I can't move now. I mean Nana is still fragile. I'm also in this state. I said caressing my tummy. But after the baby is born I was thinking maybe…we could move with you, the baby and I. I always wanted to travel abroad.

- Won't you miss your little Blackstones family?

- They will be hopefully busy doing tours anyway. I can watch them on tv.

He made a face. I know he thought I was awfully too optimistic. But I couldn't help believing in Nana.

- Well, there's also the phone and the email and…I will have to keep an eye on Shin because a mommy always watch over her children even when they're older. We could leave Shirogane to him. But I don't want him to bring girls there! We will have to have a serious talk with him setting ground rules as parents you know.

- I want to be with you too, Hachi.

That is all he said and really we did not need to say any more than that. I settled into my seat and watch the landscape unfold. I definitely live in the now.

**Nana,**

**Sometimes, I tell myself the only reason I could love like that was because you taught me how.**

* * *

End. Hope you enjoy Hachi's journey! Thank you for reading.


End file.
